Imperfection | Marjorie Riches

Isn't fear a funny little thing. It sneaks up on us when we least expect it and won't go away. But why are we afraid? Why are we afraid that someone may see us trip as we are walking. Why are we afraid that someone might not like the way we talk, or stand, or twirl our hair around our finger when we get board. Why are we afraid that someone won't like something that we have created. Why do we fear what others think of us? Because we are human. For the human race, fear will always be a part of life. Fear of others, fear of the boogie man, even fear of ourselves. Have you ever looked deep inside your mind and thought that you are a horrible person? Have you ever thought that if anyone really knew what was going on as the wheels creak around inside of your head that everyone would hate you? I have. In fact, I think it all of the time. Sometimes I even fear that I am insane and that no one has noticed yet, but that one day in the not too distant future, i will do something that will send me straight to the loony bin. Is it horrible that I wouldn't be surprised if this happened to me? I live a normal life. In fact, I live a great life. I have a wonderful, caring, supportive husband. I have wonderful parents who raised me in a wonderful church that gives me hope and something to believe in as this world goes to crap. I am going to college, soon to graduate and get a house and start my family. Everything in my life seems to be in order and perfect to the outside viewer. Somehow, my mind doesn't see it this way. Now don't get me wrong. I do think that I have a great life. In fact, I know that I have a great life. I love my husband very deeply and love the way my life is going. But then the insanity kicks in and nothing is right. Suddenly everything is out of order. I am not a good enough wife. I am not the perfect daughter. I'm not the best flute player, the best student, the best person and it drives me crazy. I am a perfectionist. I have to be perfect at everything I do and that is simply not possible. I can say this out loud, even think that I believe it, but acting on it is an entirely different story. Sometimes I hate myself because I'm not perfect. I don't think that I deserve to live because I'm not perfect. Sometimes I get so deep into these dark thoughts that everything in my wonderful life disappears. I become all alone, alone with my imperfections. Alone in every way. I want to scream. I want to throw things and tell everyone, "Look at me! I'm a horrible person!" I want people to tear me apart on the outside the way I do on the inside. I want to feel the pain that burns inside my body on the outside. Maybe then the pain on the inside would be silenced. I warned you that I was insane. I'm working on it though. I am seeing a counseler and trying to learn how to confront myself. It's not as easy as it sounds, but I know that it has to happen. I know that it has to happen so that I can be happy on the inside, not just in my glowing smile that everyone sees. I have learned to put on a good mask though. It hides me from everyone but me.